tired,closure/want it?

Ugh?

That's what my brain is thinking in answer to anyone.

I've never been this tired.

I've had probably 6 hours max sleep since waking up at 7am for school on Friday. That's unhealthy. I mean usually I get 5 hours of sleep a night but, this is pushing my sleeping habits to the limits! On Friday I set off to the "NCO Selection and Tactical Weekend". So we knew we'd be sleeping outside in Bashers. These are 2 pieces of tarpaulin one goes on the floor, you lie on it, then one goes on top of you. Ritz much?

So first night I was in a Basher with Robby, on some grim muddy path. I got like 3 hours of sleep, but it was very much "pepper-potted" sleep. I'd sleep for half an hour and then wake up for half an hour and so on. It was truly splendid. After waking up and eating we got into a classroom and had a truly enlightening lesson about Section Battle Drills. After an hour or so of lesson time we got out onto the field and got practising them, so that later on in the day when we were to do them in pitch black we would be spot on.

Hours later a magazine was thrust at us and we had to pack 20 Blank rounds into it. That was it pretty much, off we went into the dark, with Grace acting as our headlights as Platoon Commander.

I was Scout for our section and so I was to walk a few paces in front of our IC, Nick. Me and him got contacted really early and so I got down and starting firing, he dropped down, about a foot behind me, lifted up his rifle which the end of was about 2 inches from my ear and fired. My hat was literally spun around backwards on my head and I couldn't hear a thing. After a shell shocked few seconds I got up and shook my head but the ringing in my right ear didn't(still hasn't) stop.

It still hasn't I'm slowly getting worried, because I can't hear properly out of it and I don't know but I just guess that I quite and liked the idea of living life with the proper use of my right ear.

Anyway, that is the reason I'm so tired, and

A very close friend asked me if I still liked you. I don't mind this question as long as it's from someone I'm close to. I asked them if they knew what Closure was, because I don't. At first the idea of closure seemed stunning. "Find a reason to let yourself get over someone and cut off all lasting ties" is the answer I was given.

I was all for it, yet the first major flaw here is "find a reason". Meaning, I assume, that I have to find something to pass the blame from me and you to. Lets give "natural causes" a go. Ha, simple enough said. I have stood, down right by the fact that it was all because of timing. My life couldn't have been any shittier at the time and so I blamed that. Yet, looking back I remember the time we spent together and I just know it's my fault.

I know that I could have been myself if I just concentrated.

I was so immersed in thinking about what had happened to me prior to you that I ruined my chances. I burned that lovely white stack on the monopoly board.

I didn't answer for a while and they just asked me

"Do you want Closure"

No, I don't think I do. Agreeing to the terms of this so called Closure would mean that it wasn't my fault. It was,

It was It was It was It was It was It was