Blooming

Don't try to tell me it's not summer
With you and that flower in your hair
The times are changing and I can hope
That without me you might realise I meant something

yeah, alright, I only have a chorus as of yet haha!

my mum is a cunt, and i mean it, not like the whininy kids who hate their mums when they get shouted at for getting all Ds ona grade card.

but I hate her truly

My Birthday :)

Last christmas, I got no presents and so my mum and dad made up for it by buying me a topman coat,

at the end of the day I had 35£ and a coat to show for it. Sure, I might sound selfish but seriously? what the fuck is that about?


So for my birthday I got promised a mac on the day of my birthday I Was soooo happy, 20 inch Imac!

"oohh, you'll have to wait 3 weeks now"

so at the end of yesterday ( my birthday ) I had 100£ and a tamagotchi :)
I love my tamagotchi and I'll be honest that I prefer it to my topman coat :D

Today though, Jen came round and she made me a braclet :D! It's awesome, it's made of wood so I don't think I should wear it in the shower, so I'll refrain from saying "I'll never take it off"..

I hate how I still write songs about you

:)

Thanks nina and Jen<3 :)

nina just loosk cooler with a lower case "n" :)

one day I'll write this book

Prologue

Sixteen, both parents, pretty rich, big house. Happy? Hah...

I killed two people last week, bombshell right? What do you do if you kill someone? First off, did they deserve it? A Dad and his 7 year old kid driving home from his football tournament. I don't think so either. Before you jump to conclusions it wasn't out of cold blood, it wasn't on purpose, I did it to save someone. Not just someone, but her. You know, "that girl". The one that got away?
Yeah, well I'm going to have to tell you what happened now aren't I?

Okay, so it was our after GCSEs prom and I was sat there alone, watching my best friend try to suffocate someone with his tonsils and trying to make up reasons why I can still be happy even though I don't have a date. Then I see her, and Mark Campbell, leaving via the fire escape, I didn't want to watch, but I had to. So I walk across the dance floor, nudge my glass of champagne down Bob's back and listen as he screams and lets his date escape his mouth lock.

Putting my eye to the small slit in the double doors and slowly pushing the right hand door just so I could try to catch a glimpse of them. Further open, further, further. Until the door hit the wall on the other side and they were nowhere to be seen.

So I walked out into the car park to see them stumble onto the road kissing, the odd squeal of laughter escaping they're lips. They were off balance, clearly a bit drunk. I wanted to tell myself he was forcing this on her but I could tell, I could tell she was happy.

Then I see it, a Volvo estate streaking down the road at about 40mph. They had just stepped onto the road, both of them stood there, in each others sickening embrace. I was about 150 meres away and they were about 200 metres from the car, I had no chance. But then I felt something pulse inside me, like the blood inside my body just got thicker, faster. It was adrenaline on a whole new level. I knew I could never save them, but I still ran, I still went hell for leather and ran my heart out, I ran for what felt like 3 seconds and was mere feet from them, I didn't question how but I was going to make it, I shoved them out of the way, onto the floor. I looked right, stared right into the eyes of the 40 year old man driving the Volvo, then to the boy, 7 years old, in full kit. I'll never forget it, it was black with yellow stripes. Then they hit me. Hard. I closed my eyes and led there on the floor, just where I had been stood.

I should have died, but I didn't. I got up, aching, but fine, I was terrified. It was then as I turned around that I saw the site that scared me the most. The Volvo estate, burning, crumpled, dead. It's bonnet was completely crippled, with a V-shaped gap in the centre, supposedly where it had it me. There was no movement inside, I could smell burning fuel, and skin. I looked round to see her, staring back up at me, those blue eyes, filled with tears. They weren't looking at a hero, they were looking at a monster, a monster I couldn't explain. I didn't know the monster, I don't know myself.
So I ran, I ran so fast that after seconds I was home, a journey that should have taken minutes in the car. Everything whizzed past me, colourful blurs were my backdrop.

I was so confused. I still am. All I know is that when I felt that pulse, that surge of power inside me, I was unstoppable.

I should be happy, I should enjoy my powers, but so far they've killed a man, a child and scared the love of my life. So far I'm not a super hero, I'm a villain and with you as my witness I'll change that.




I'll write this one day.

This trophie's on my windowsill (acoustic) - Harry Askew :)

You're my secret lover
I won the race and you
Won't ever steal this Trophie
From my deserving windowsill

Everytime the race begins
The gun is raised, up high
Crack like a whip
I wimper, it's too quick

I'll take this fight to your court
I'll make you kiss the dirt
But thie Trophie's with me

You're my secret lover
I won the race and you
Won't ever steal this Trophie
From my deserving windowsill

You, keep me sane
You're always there
to keep me the same
finish this melody

On a high note


You're my secret lover
I won the race and you
Won't ever steal this Trophie
From my deserving windowsill

You're my secret lover
I won the race and you
Won't ever steal this Trophie
From my deserving windowsill

A word to sum me up

Still

thinking about you:)
missing us:S
having doubts:(
feeling very optomistic:)
in a cracking place:)
worrying:(
smiling:)
frowning:(
all you?

No way,

Don't fucking say that because I know you don't mean it.

whatthefuck

My unbearably good mood has kept me away from this site, which is a good thing because I use this site to get sadness out. We made it official today :) we have a song, we have a spot at school, I make fun of her, she makes fun of me... All of that makes me so happy it's untrue.

Note that I actually just used a "smiley" in one of my paragraphs, this reinforces my happiness

Why would you be pissed off because I didn't rush to my phone to call you the minute we got together?
When I heard about that, I thought it was some joke because I've scarcely heard of anything that selfish in my life.

Why haven't you updated me about YOUR life?!

I don't have to tell you what I do with my life, it was 6 and a half fucking months ago. You didn't want to be with me, that's fine with me, but don't get pissed off with me when I don't tell you that I'm getting with someone over half a year later!

You can give me as many short, fake-problem-resolving answers as you like. I'm just not even going to try now, you don't want me in your life, I'm not going to question that. I already thought that's how you felt, so you see how I feel when you pop back in to have a go at me for not telling you about the first person that has made me happy since you!

So slate me to everyone you see, make the world hate me for not informing you about my daily life, but in another half a year when I eat something for breakfast that you don't agree with, I'm confident my real friends won't leave my side. Just like you left mine today, or last week, or 6 months ago, whenever it was you became what you showed me today.




Jen-Jen-Jen.... sorry, it cheers me up typing that.

I think I....

I think I found her :)

Get the Fuck out

Get outGet outGet out
Get outGet outGet outGet out
Get out
Get outGet out
Get out
Get outGet out
Get out
Get outGet outGet outGet outGet outGet out
Get outGet out
Get outGet out
Get out
Get out
Get outGet out
Get out
Get out
Get outGet out
Get out
Get out
Get outGet outGet outGet out

please get out of my head...

As you walk by

Every time you walk by
I get that feeling you get before a cry
Like an unopened letter
from the one you love
already knowing it tells the end

all I know is when,
when we'll be apart
I sat there alone
gliding to my fate

These untold silences and killer stares
Make a lion of you and a mouse of me
These corridor passings and dangerous glares
Make a lion of you and a mouse of me

This time won't be like the last time
I won't fall again, I won't let you invade
Your armies all gathered by my dreams
the anchor drops the flag is burned and

all I know is when
when we'll be together
I sit here with friends
moving from the mist


These untold silences and killer stares
Make a lion of you and a mouse of me
These corridor passings and dangerous glares
Make a lion of you and a mouse of me

you and me,
him and her,
here and there,
then and now,

you and me,
him and her,
here and there,
then and now,

you and me,
him and her,
here and there,
then and now,

Have you ever wondered?
Have you ever thought?
Have you ever even considered!... the thought of lost love?!

I have had to live with this unbearable burden, I have stood by the fact that things happen for a reason and I have kept my chin up and trusted the ones close to me to keep me sane. But now, now I don't know who to trust,

YOU BETRAYED ME!

I thought you cared about me, you always had the girls, the friends, the fun. But this time I had a chance, I asked you to help me and look what you did, look at how you made me look a fool. I loved her and you stole her away. You were always the one I trusted, I never would have assumed for a second that you would do this to me, now

thanks to you

I have nothing, absolutely nothing, I feel like the only last chance I had at life has gone, and now I don't even have you to help me through the pain. You've left me and taken away my dreams.

Why live if you can't dream?

Why live if you can't love?

I won't have to worry about Dreams or Love, you can't do them when you're dead.



^^^^^^^

My monologue I wrote for Danny's death scene in my devised drama piece. He is losing his mind after his best friend stole the one he loved. He has HIV and this girl was the only time he felt alive, he hadn't left his room for 3 years before he saw them together. Now he feels more trapped than he ever had done.

He will go onto stop taking his medication and die.

tired,closure/want it?

Ugh?

That's what my brain is thinking in answer to anyone.

I've never been this tired.

I've had probably 6 hours max sleep since waking up at 7am for school on Friday. That's unhealthy. I mean usually I get 5 hours of sleep a night but, this is pushing my sleeping habits to the limits! On Friday I set off to the "NCO Selection and Tactical Weekend". So we knew we'd be sleeping outside in Bashers. These are 2 pieces of tarpaulin one goes on the floor, you lie on it, then one goes on top of you. Ritz much?

So first night I was in a Basher with Robby, on some grim muddy path. I got like 3 hours of sleep, but it was very much "pepper-potted" sleep. I'd sleep for half an hour and then wake up for half an hour and so on. It was truly splendid. After waking up and eating we got into a classroom and had a truly enlightening lesson about Section Battle Drills. After an hour or so of lesson time we got out onto the field and got practising them, so that later on in the day when we were to do them in pitch black we would be spot on.

Hours later a magazine was thrust at us and we had to pack 20 Blank rounds into it. That was it pretty much, off we went into the dark, with Grace acting as our headlights as Platoon Commander.

I was Scout for our section and so I was to walk a few paces in front of our IC, Nick. Me and him got contacted really early and so I got down and starting firing, he dropped down, about a foot behind me, lifted up his rifle which the end of was about 2 inches from my ear and fired. My hat was literally spun around backwards on my head and I couldn't hear a thing. After a shell shocked few seconds I got up and shook my head but the ringing in my right ear didn't(still hasn't) stop.

It still hasn't I'm slowly getting worried, because I can't hear properly out of it and I don't know but I just guess that I quite and liked the idea of living life with the proper use of my right ear.

Anyway, that is the reason I'm so tired, and

A very close friend asked me if I still liked you. I don't mind this question as long as it's from someone I'm close to. I asked them if they knew what Closure was, because I don't. At first the idea of closure seemed stunning. "Find a reason to let yourself get over someone and cut off all lasting ties" is the answer I was given.

I was all for it, yet the first major flaw here is "find a reason". Meaning, I assume, that I have to find something to pass the blame from me and you to. Lets give "natural causes" a go. Ha, simple enough said. I have stood, down right by the fact that it was all because of timing. My life couldn't have been any shittier at the time and so I blamed that. Yet, looking back I remember the time we spent together and I just know it's my fault.

I know that I could have been myself if I just concentrated.

I was so immersed in thinking about what had happened to me prior to you that I ruined my chances. I burned that lovely white stack on the monopoly board.

I didn't answer for a while and they just asked me

"Do you want Closure"

No, I don't think I do. Agreeing to the terms of this so called Closure would mean that it wasn't my fault. It was,

It was It was It was It was It was It was

Kitty-cat

My cat just told me to tell you I love you.

By any chance

Have you ever been thinking of something embarrasing or something you maybe shouldn't be thinking about and then try and stop yourself, just incase someone in the room can read your mind. I have genuinly told them to get out of my head before...






I just thought I'd see if I was alone on that one.

dt/work,ill,song

So, this friday is DT coursework deadline. I stayed after school to do it, I got none done. I don't understand how people can make themselves work. If I'm not in a working mood, the minute I try to do some I get REALLY tired for some reason. Might have something to do with the 4 and a half hours of sleep every night, might not..

But that's your fault, not mine.

.. I don't hate anything more than looking around and seeing people working, and knowing I have loads to do but just can't do any. It's heard that marathon runners have this kind of problem, they hit "the wall" and they become unable to go on. It's not just with work though it's everything, I get to a point where a problem just defeats me, I must be weak minded or something, how pathetic.

I'm ill, I have been since saturday morning, thanks to a stupid, messy night on friday. I hate it, I go out with like 8 people and we just ended up getting slaughtered, wankered, rat arsed, equi-pwned. What ever you call it. It's right fun at the time but you know, you fucking know that you will regret it.

Yet you do it anyway,

why do we do it?

Why do we do something when we know out right that are making a mistake and will completely regret it. I did that last year, my life couldn't of been in a worse place, lost 2 of my best friends in the space of a month. I was quite depressed, yet I ruined my chance with you by not being able to wait like a month or so for me to sort myself out. God I really know how to go off on a tangent or type a paragraph of completely unrelated banter.

Why did I just tell God that? I was thinking that today, I don't go to Matty and say "Hey Danny" and then go through a story, so why do we say God?

I wrote a song on sunday, well, I just wrote lyrics. When I Say lyrics, I thought of a line. I'm not going to tell you what it is, but I want anyone who reads this to value "thinking time" every morning on the school bus I just think. I replay this lyric alot in my head, keeps me sane. Maybe I'll tell you next time,

you,housemusic

Imagine realising that after.. wow, I hadn't counted it on my fingers until then... nearly 7 months you haven't stopped thinking about one topic. Like lets say you watch a movie, that makes you think, alot. You think about it for a week and you talk to your friends about it, it was on channel 4 and was well advertised so most of your friends watched at least half of it...

I don't see why people don't watch whole films, keeps me awake at night,

...you all talk about it at lunch, or at the Bagrack, or in lessons because something a teacher said reminded you about it. A top notch film, like say, The Dark Knight. Got that attention for around 3 weeks max. Imagine thinking about the Dark night, for over half a year, once a day spending 5 minutes thinking about it. 5 minutes a day is 288 minutes, a month is a day times by, lets say 30.. 8640 minutes. Multiply that by, I'll say 6 months...


51840 minutes.
864 hours
36 days


Got me yet?

I love it when I realise this gash because I can go onto to give people advice like "if you don't try and forget him/her then you're going to waste your life on them"

But look at me..

I don't give relationship advice anymore, I'd rather people think I'm some awkward idiot who has no idea about how to deal with anything than have people think I'm good at keeping someone happy, look at what I did to you, I couldn't be worse if I tried.

House music final tomorow,

I'm in the solo final and the ensemble. I got into the solo guitar somehow, I've never had lessons and I play once a night for 10 minutes on an out of tune guitar. I made my piece up as I went along for my audition, Mr Dalton was going on about how I have a wonderful ear for music, I just laughed out loud when he told me I was in the final, 8 other people who pay for lessons diddn't get in, where is the justice there? Me and Nina are preforming Mr Brightside for the ensemble. It's a fun song to sing and play,

she sounds like Dido/Diana Vickers,



it's awesomesauce.